Home > Craig > Aphorisms

Terrorism is the war of the poor; war is the terrorism of the rich.

All great catastrophies begin with the conviction that nothing could possibly go wrong.

The most dangerous weapon a citizen can possess is a long memory.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Why put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow?

If you want something done, ask someone who's busy.

If you want a skinflint, find someone who's rich.

The world's best policeman is named Jack Frost.

All publicity is good publicity as long as they spell your name right.

Kill one person and you are a murderer. Kill ten and you are a monster. Kill ten thousand and you are a statesman. Kill everyone and you are God.

To learn a new language is to gain a new soul. (Czech proverb)

The liver is evil and must be punished. (W.C. Fields)

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in. (Robert Frost)

A person is never more dangerous than when they're doing something for your own good.

Measure twice; cut once.

If you can't say something nice, then at least make it funny.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". (Dave Barry)

The delusional ones are the ones who don't know they're delusional.

Other people never seem to realize they are only figments of my imagination.

I know I'm paranoid... but am I paranoid enough?

Psychiatrists say that 1 in 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it.

Any sufficiently innovative idea is indistinguishable from insanity. (with apologies to Arthur C. Clarke)

Today's mighty oak is yesterday's nut that held its ground.

"Every theatre is an insane asylum, but an opera theatre is the ward for the incurables." (conductor Franz Schalk)

"As a musician I tell you that if you were to suppress adultery, fanaticism, crime, evil and the supernatural, there would no longer be the means for writing one note." (Georges Bizet, 1866)

A wrong note played timidly is an embarrasment; a wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.

A wrong note played twice is the beginning of an arrangement. (Frank Zappa)

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?

Imagination is more important than knowledge. (Albert Einstein)

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I stood upon the bridge, watching myself watching myself. I smiled, I smiled, I smiled. (Zen koan)

I can't think of a sentence that starts and ends with "I".

"Me transmitte sursum, Caledoni!" (James Tiberius Kirk)

Religion evaporates with education. (sts)

Dial-a-Prayer for atheists: you call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.

Death is the process by which the self dissolves back into the universe. (Yevgeny Zamyatin)

Talking to God is prayer. God talking back is schizophrenia.

Faith is what we have; gullible superstitious zealotry is what they have.

Pride is what I have; vanity is what you have.

What turns me on is erotic; what turns you on is obscene.

The trouble with power is that it appeals to precisely those people who should not have it.

Your problem is not my emergency.

It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.

Learn the rules so you can break them properly. (The Dalai Lama)

Stolen watermelon always tastes the best.

The best gifts are given in secret.

If encryption is outlawed, only gcrqu2 ryfg fgegd vfwtq djxdt.

If there's a wasp in the room, I want to know where it is. (C.S. Lewis)

The cheerful man has not yet heard the terrible news. (Berthold Brecht)

In cyberspace, everyone can hear you scream.

What do you call someone who only speaks one language? An American. What do you call someone who speaks more than one language? Civilized.

War is how Americans learn geography.

Haydn is to Mozart as Debussy is to Ravel.

Ardbeg is to The Macallen as Kenya AA is to Sumatra Mandheling.

Dalwhinney is to Lagavulin as Darjeeling is to Lapsang Soochong.

Prozac is to dapoxetine as LSD is to DMT.

A person is just a gene's way of making another gene.

A scholar is just a library's way of making another library.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. (Carrie Snow)

A mathematician is a device for converting caffeine into theorems.

A programmer is a device for converting caffeine into code.

A web developer is a device for converting caffeine into HTML.

A composer is a device for converting caffeine into MIDI.

Cynicism is the smoke rising off scorched expectations.

Washington D.C. is Hollywood for the ugly.

The enemy of my enemy is especially useful when he thinks I think he is my friend.

Self-reference is its own reward.

Science is a brutal process in which beautiful theories are destroyed by ugly facts.

The first 90% of a project takes up 90% of the time, and the last 10% takes up the other 90%.

Hofstadter's Rule: a project always takes twice as long as you think it will, even when applying Hofstadter's Rule.

"Oh, Bother", said the Borg, "We've assimilated Pooh." (Gone Jackal@slashdot)

Math anxiety? Call 1-800-[sin^2(x)+cos^2(x)]-[e^(i*pi)].

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary numbers and those who don't.

People can be divided into two groups: those who fit into one of two groups and those who don't.

People can be divided into three groups: those who can count and those who can't.

I can't make two true statements in a row. The preceding statement is true.

Truth is abrasive; falsehood is the lubricant that allows society to function.

America: love it or give it back!

If you can't be a good example, you can still serve as a horrible warning. (Catherine Aird)

Nature adores a plenum.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is. (Yogi Berra)

Don't knock on Death's door; ring the bell and run. Death hates that.

I used to be a dilettante. Then I thought I'd try something else for a while.

How meaningful is it to ask what is meant by "meaninglessness"?

Better to be known as an insight source than an insight sink.

If it ain't broke, it don't have enough features yet.

If I weren't so forgetful, I'd be a pessimist.

You know your caffeine habit is out of control when:

  • you need a cup of instant to tide you over while the French Roast is brewing.
  • your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia
  • your idea of a parfait is espresso plus Brazil Santos Ultra-Dark Roast with a spash of Italian Roast to lighten it up.

Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

If you're not making a lot of mistakes, you're not working on hard enough problems.

If you're not getting killed a lot, you're not playing hard enough video games.

Never ascribe to malice what can be adequately explained by incompetence. (Benjamin Franklin)

Never ascribe to psychosis what can be adequately explained by a Bluetooth handsfree wireless headset.

Memes don't exist. Tell everyone you know.